I’m Not Amused and I’m STILL Not Making it Up…

You might think, by now, that due to the vast number of abnormal dog issues I’ve encountered over the past couple of years, I probably have quite the imagination and could likely write a fairly decent informational piece about any and all possible reasons you may need to visit an emergency vet.  But just when I think we’ve experienced it all, Oscar surprises us with something new.  And I swear, I STILL cannot make this stuff up…

Saturday began like any other.  I slept in while B (bless his heart), got up to tend to the boys.  Our original plan was to take them for a walk around the lake, but I was feeling a little under the weather and decided to just take them to the park to romp and play fetch instead.  In other words, I wasn’t in the mood to be pulled the entire 4 miles around the lake by Nugget, who has recently decided to completely disregard any and all leash training (or possibly lack thereof), he’s ever received.

At the park, we engaged in our typical park games of fetch and chase with Nugget, while Oscar practiced Jiu Jitsu with a dangerously large branch he found.  I was too frightened of the high probability I’d suffer a busted knee cap or deep thigh bruise to even attempt to take the uprooted sequoia tree out of his mouth.   Also, I don’t actually have the slightest clue what Jiu Jitsu is or whether it involves weaponry, but it sounds cool.  Eventually he tired of whirling the branch in the air and decided it was time to focus on his neat Frisbee-fetching skills.

Allow me to reiterate that Osc’s athletic ability is pretty phenomenal.  This is unfortunate only because he is also very clumsy…  [see almost any previous post for reference].  He loves to jump and pull Frisbees out of the air or hurdle Nugget during sprints through the house or do back flips while trying to snatch a ball during a game of keep-away.  Saturday was no different, really.  B whipped the Frisbee through the air and Osc took off after it.  He jumped into the air and caught it, doing a flip on his way back to the ground.  We were cheering him on until he didn’t quite make it all the way around and missed his feet, landing flat on his back.  He got up right away, so we weren't immediately alarmed.  But then he started crying.  So I picked him up and brushed him off.  I didn’t see any abrasions or puncture woulds.  I assumed he was just scared, until he pulled away from me.  

**[This is where you stop reading if you are easily grossed out!!!]**

He walked a few feet and starting trying to poop.  He was clearly struggling and then I saw blood.  Not just a little; it was a decent amount.  And he was still crying.  Upon closer look, I realized his backside was covered in blood under his tail and he had a bright red, bloody bump on his bum.  Irrational me: “Oh MY GOD!  He broke a bone and it punctured his bowel!  We need to go to the ER vet for emergency surgery, NOW!”  Rational me: doesn’t exist.

B drove us to the emergency vet (which is conveniently located practically in our back yard… It’s like B’s relocation people knew!).  I took Osc inside while B took Nugg home.  Since I am clearly a child, I was trying to explain to the lady at the desk what had happened without being too graphic and disgusting.  She turned my, “He fell and is now pooping blood and has a bump on his bum” into “Blood present when defecating;  abrasions and trauma to anal tissue”.  Thanks.  I couldn’t have said it better myself.  And I didn’t.  Obviously she’s heard it all, so my dog’s anus issue didn’t faze her in the least.  But I didn’t want to be all, “OH MY GAWD!  He’s shitting out his insides.  We need help NOWWWWWWW!!!!!” [CUE DRAMATIC SOBBING] even though I was fairly certain that’s what was happening.  "Trust me!  I'm a vet!"  (That's what I tell dogs when I'm giving them medicine or shots or brushing their teeth).    

Turns out, I wasn’t too far off.  He did have scrapes from mid-thigh to about 2 inches up his tail and a partial rectal prolapse.  (For the love of Jesus, do NOT do a Google image search unless you are trying to be sick…).  Fortunately, it was minor enough that it didn’t warrant surgery.  Ironically, the remedy is sugar and ice.  (That you can Google.  It’s legit).  Basically, we've been putting granulated sugar (the artificial stuff will not, I repeat WILL NOT, suffice), and ice on his butt after every bowel movement since Saturday.  I seriously cannot make this up.  (I had to throw the granulated sugar disclaimer in there in case some genius stumbles across this and tries to use Splenda to cure his own rectal prolapse.  Yes, I said HIS!).



Nugget is so embarrassed for Oscar.  He can't even stand to look!

In hindsight, being pulled 4 miles around the lake would have been less painful than our ER vet bill.  And the extreme lack of sleep we all experienced on Saturday night.  Osc was miserable, thus making the rest of us miserable.  In addition to that, I think I’ve washed my sheets and his blankets about 62 times in the last three days due to the non-stop anal leakage he’s experiencing.  [Think: Warning on Alli bottles.  Anal leakage is for real!]  So we bought some diapers at Petco.  And they were too small.  He was not pleased and, in fact, stood in one spot like a statue for 45 minutes, refusing to move and surely plotting his revenge.  That idea was a bust, but I’m so glad I’m stuck with a package of 18 medium-sized diapers that will fit any accidental human babies I have, should they be born with tails… 

Diapers are NOT a dog's best friend...

And PS – anyone who says having dogs is easier than human babies can EFF OFF!

Oscar, King of the Unfathomable