Thursday, June 30, 2011

I Can't Even Make This Stuff Up...

By the grace of God, my parents agreed to watch the dogs while B and I went to Orlando for a few days.  I truly love taking them to Pet Paradise, but it would have been a long stretch for them and I desperately need Oscar to be kept on his schedule.  I was a little nervous since their last stay with Mawmaw and Pawpaw was nothing short of an epic disaster.  But Oscar has made great strides in the past 10 months.  While we were gone, he proved just how grown up and well-behaved he can be.  Other than a couple of pee-pee accidents, he stuck to his schedule and only cost my mom's cat an additional two of her already few lives. 
Alas, I knew my luck was wearing thin.  We returned home last Sunday and B had to leave for a work trip first thing Monday morning.  If I didn't know any better, I would swear I was being Punk'd because immediately ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE!  (Literally!)  Here's the abridged version:

Monday:  As per usual, Nugget took B's spot in the bed when he left.  I'm usually ok with this even though he's a huge pillow hog!  When the alarm went off, however, I was more rudely startled awake by the stench in the air.  Of course I opened my eyes to see two canine rumpuses in my face.  Unsure of the suspect, I shooed them both off the bed, intending to lay there for another minute before getting up to head out for our walk... And then I discovered the source of the stench.  Nugget had expressed his anal glads on my bed, on my clean (well, until that point) sheets and merely an inch from my face!  This was great, because emergency laundry is exactly what I wanted to do before work on a Monday morning... 
Anyway, I got up and we went for our 2 mile walk, during which Nugget stopped to throw up twice.  Upon putting their bowls down for breakfast when we got home, a vicious fight ensued because they both got nosy about contents of the other's bowl... which happened to be EXACTLY THE SAME!  Coincidentally, it was also no different than what they eat every. single. day.

Tuesday:  Daycare!  But of course there was a Canada-sized sinkhole that caused one of the roads to be closed and the detour cost me 20 minutes.  Dumb.  When we returned home that evening, Oscar bolted out of the car before I could get his leash back on.  He headed for the grass to make his routine "potty" stop until the Evil Wench neighbor upstairs opened her door and began walking out with Cujo her dog.  (This is the dog that lunges and growls at every living thing it sees and continually threatens Nugg, Osc and me.  The kid clearly can't play nice, so Nugg and Osc do NOT like it!).  Seeing Cujo was out, Oscar immediately bolted up the stairs and a growling/barking/violent scuffle ensued.  Evil Wench Neighbor upstairs pulled her dog inside and told me to keep my dog on a leash.  [Super-duper @$$-hole mode engaged]:  I replied with some colorful words I won't repeat here.  
I got Nugget and Oscar inside so I could put my things down and then put them on their retractable leashes so we could make our potty trip.  But Oscar couldn't wait, nor could his bowels which immediately erupted with explosive diarrhea all over my very light beige carpet.  When I say "all over", I really mean EVERYWHERE (b/c obviously standing in ONE SPOT while you crap is entirely out of the question)!   So basically, I sat on the floor and bawled for 15 minutes before I grabbed several rolls of paper towels and Nature's Miracle and began scrubbing.  I ended up just steam-cleaning the entire house.  (I clean compulsively when I'm upset).

Wednesday: Indeed, I received a lovely notice on my door from the landlord about "making sure my pets are on a leash at all times".  Really Evil Wench upstairs?  It was an ACCIDENT!  And before you and Cujo got here, everyone did what they wanted with their dogs and it was fine!   *@#*&@#*&$)#@*&$()@*&%*#*%&#!!!  So basically my blood was is still boiling.   
To make matters worse, B is all like, "Why don't you just go talk to them about it?"  Yeah, the likelihood of me being civil to them is about equal to the chance I'll be seeing a unicorn in my backyard tomorrow.  AIN'T HAPPENIN'.  And whose side is he on, anyway?!  Maybe he should stay home and clean up dog diarrhea all week...

Thursday:  Started off promising.  Oscar's poo had finally returned to semi-normal (i.e., he wasn't peeing out his butt).  We went for our morning walk and everyone was happy.  But apparently boredom set in during the 5 minutes I was in the shower because Oscar retrieved a bar of soap from inside of a basket, inside of the (closed!) bathroom cabinet and ate it!  WTH, dog?!  It was unscented, so how did he even know it was in there?!  To throw kerosene on my already hot fire, he rolled in the leftover soap "crumbs" and it was all matted in his fur and my carpet...  Super. 
RIP Bar of Soap
That evening, the usual "abnormally loud walking" noises from Evil Wench and her pretty-boy roommate upstairs were treading on my last nerve.   I'll bet the farm they're breeding elephants in their apartment and training them to walk on Pogo sticks...  After a few "knocks" on the ceiling with a broom stick didn't seem to relay the message, I damn-near put the broom itself through the ceiling.  (Ok fine... there's a hole in my ceiling.  And it's about the size of a broom).  Soooo...  I turned on two fans, the air purifier and the TV and went back to sleep. 

Friday: I took the boys for our morning walk around 6am and maybe, but not really accidentally left my stereo in the bedroom on, max volume with the bass cranked all the way up while we were gone.  Oops.  I sure hope it didn't wake the upstairs neighbors...  My payback, of course, was getting yelled and cussed at by a client at work later that day.  Then B came home from his business trip and the dogs were on their best behavior all weekend... because nothing catastrophic ever happens when I have witnesses!

Fast forward to Monday:  B left again for another week-long business trip andnoI'mnotbitteroranything.  I got the boys up and we embarked on our walk, during which they both did all of their business.  Oscar's poo was still normal (though a little light in color, presumably from the white bar of Dove soap in which he indulged late last week), so for that I was thankful.  Nugget threw up again (and I am not picking that up!)  
After we got home and I served up two delicious bowls of kibble, I jumped in the shower to start getting ready for work.  I usually peek out of the curtain and see Oscar laying right there... but on Friday he was not there.  So I called his name to see if he was near.  He didn't immediately come, but after a minute or so, he poked his head inside the curtain.  I bent down to pet him on the head and he jumped up to lick my face, planting his tongue right across my lips.  "Your breath is AWFUL!" I told him.  "It smells like $hit!"  But I didn't think anything of it, because honestly, his breath always smells like $hit.  About 30 seconds later, however, I stepped out of the shower and suddenly it hit me - a huge whiff of foul, poop-smelling air.  I immediately set out to locate the source.  And there it was... another room full of explosive diarrhea all over my beige carpet.  Except this time, it was half-eaten.  OH.  MY.  DOG.  
After I scrubbed my lips for 10 minutes with Dial soap (and dry heaved about 63 times), I again exhausted several rolls of paper towels and a bottle of Nature's Miracle, along with my patience for the week...  I am not sure what I'll do if we have one more in-house explosion, except maybe get in the car and start driving and never look back.  


  1. Ian tells me how wonderful the dogs, especially BC, are when I am gone each week. They turn evil every weekend


  2. Oh jeepers! I don't even know where to begin, except to say that my dog is member of the occasional bout of explosive diarrhea gang...usually in the middle of the night and, yes, on my beige carpet, too. Here's hoping things settle down soon.

  3. Poor you, and poor Oscar! It's got to be horrible to have so much explosive diarrhea!

  4. Oh My Dog! My thoughts are with you:)

  5. OMG... I have been reading this and feeling so so so sorry for you!! BUT... our fur kids would be nothing without us wonderful mothers! OH... and would you like me to send some anonymous HATE mail to the wench upstairs? My fingerprints are not in the system and I will even drive to Mississippi to post mark it-- nothing good comes from there (no offense).

  6. I offer you a drink and a hug. I'm sorry but that was a hell of a week.

  7. What a week! Seriously, this is like watching an episode of a sitcom because not only are you a thoroughly entertaining writer, but this can't possibly have happened in real life!! My sympathies!

  8. OMD! I couldn't stop reading - what a helluva week (but kinda funny for the reader)! So glad Kirbs is small so if he ever has the runs it will be small! I can't imagine a roomful!

    Kirbs used to eat the poop in the cat litter box - guess he got his mouth washed out so much he finally stopped. lol

  9. Oh my Lord. And I thought MY weekend was bad! ( raise my glass to to you for not flying off the handle (like I did). Poor Oscar. If you is still a little "loose", I highly recommend a heaping tablespoon of canned pumpkin or mashed sweet potato with each meal. Works *wonders* on Felix's sensitive tummy :)

  10. Oh my... I am so sorry! What a crappy week. I hope that things have calmed down now!


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