Monday, January 24, 2011

From Manic to Snooze in .8 Seconds Flat...

... That is the approximate speed at which the doodle transforms from a raging lunatic to, well... a raging lunatic who is briefly asleep.

As I'm writing this, my ears are poisoned with the voice of Oprah streaming from the next room as B has predictably fallen asleep on the couch, leaving the TV to it's own devices.  We would never willfully watch Oprah and if I weren't so fudgin' lazy, I'd put myself and the TV out of misery.  But it is cold and I am bundled up in bed (where I've been hiding since the brutal Bears defeat approximately 6 hours ago)... so suffer we must.  I am struck, however, by her commercial which I've heard no less than 937 times in the last 10 minutes for the next episode where she attempts to arouse our curiosity about the doubtfully anticipated revelation of her "Family Secret".  Why should I burden what remains of my soul with the family secrets of a woman who never had a soul?  Further, I seem to have collected a plethora of my own secrets, one of which I'm about to spill publicly now...

After much thought and hours of not-so-scientific research, I've come to the absolute conclusion that Oscar is, indeed, an extraterrestrial.  His inability to cope with the stresses of life on earth, such as walking and breathing simultaneously, might have been the first clue.  Other situations that send him into a spastic spiral of doodle meltdown mess range anywhere from sighting a fallen stick during a potty walk, an altercation with a rock or not being immediately acknowledged by myself or B.  Without warning, any of these events may trigger an eruption of his bladder, resulting in a large puddle for which he shows no remorse or an inappropriate and poorly timed spurt of energy which leads him forcefully to the end of his leash, throwing him into a back-flip and me into a shriek of pain as my shoulder endures yet another near-dislocation experience.

Also, he's telepathic.  He is able to pinpoint the exact nano-second my brain falls into REM sleep.  Every time.  This is evidenced by his uncanny coinciding of the potty-cry with the aforementioned sleep event... er, should I say, non-event?

The most compelling evidence, however, stems from the lightening-fast speed at which he laps the apartment, bouncing off of walls and hurdling furniture, leaving nary a picture hanging nor a chair upright and the toy basket always empty.  Less than 1 second after completion of the lap of destruction he's laying peacefully on his side atop my plush pillowtop mattress, snoring and preparing to enjoy his own REM sleep.  He's not even out of breath.  There is nothing normal about that and, in fact, he's more like a gremlin where the list of things you should not feed him far exceeds the list of things you can, for fear he may turn into something (God forbid) worse!  Easily, I'd put him up against a room of 30 toddlers who just consumed copious amounts of high fructose corn syrup in the form of pixie sticks and Skittles - you know, the stuff that sky-rockets the blood sugar levels really fast!  Decidedly, a room full of sugar-high toddlers sounds like a vacation.

DISCLOSURE STATEMENT: My recent viewing of the movie, Megamind may have more to do with my conclusion than the confirmed results of any inane experiment which I never actually conducted.  Oops.

While I'm at it, I forgot to mention we've joined another fun Linky Party:

We wanna find some new followers, discover more awesome blogs and make new friends!  You can join here:


  1. I am cracking up! I thought I was the only female on earth who despises Oprah. Nice to know I'm not alone. I'm following you from Homemaker on a Dime :)

  2. Thanks for making me laugh! I'm here from the follower swap party, I signed up to follow you!

  3. Thanks for joining! I hope that the Swap Followings party turns out as a positive experience for you :) I'm also a follower now.


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